Table of Contents
40 chapters · read in order, or jump to any chapter.
- 01Chapter 1: OpeningThe cottage faces a shore of broken rock. Knots show through the pine underfoot, and most days the windows stand open. A breeze brings the scent of conifers and salt through the…
- 02MondayChapter 2: Real LifeThe voice in my earbuds asks me to find a place where I feel safe.
- 03MondayChapter 3: Real LifeRhys isn't my fiancé anymore. We broke up months ago. We haven't told our friends, and after being engaged to him for so long, I still sometimes think of him that way.
- 04Alderbrook, MassachusettsChapter 4: Happy PlaceIn junior year, Bianca and I move into an apartment above our usual coffee shop. The building is on a street of old brick storefronts in downtown Alderbrook. Livia met our new…
- 05MondayChapter 5: Real LifeWe stay in the kitchen through three more toasts to lasting love. Then Rhys says we need to take my things upstairs and asks the others to excuse us.
- 06MondayChapter 6: Real LifeThe large bedroom would be wonderful if I were sharing it with anyone else.
- 07Cape Lark, Washington — our first summerChapter 7: Happy PlaceThe children's room has slanting windows, uneven boards and pale curtains. Two narrow beds stand against opposite walls under identical blue-gray quilts. It's my first week with…
- 08Tuesday — present dayChapter 8: Happy PlaceThe first thing I notice is pressure across my stomach. Warmth at my back. A cold draft slips through the sheets. I shift closer to the heat behind me, and the room tilts. My…
- 09Tuesday — present dayChapter 9: Happy Place“I didn't know a grocery store could be this good,” I say.
- 10Senior year — MassachusettsChapter 10: Happy PlaceFor senior year, we rent the ground floor of an old white Victorian near campus. The windows chatter when the wind picks up. The porch sags in the middle, but Livia and I have…
- 11Real life — TuesdayChapter 11: Happy PlaceTuesdays usually mean a drive into Olympic National Park, followed by lunch at the bakery whose warm popovers have become the group's favorite. I've been thinking about them for…
- 12Real life — TuesdayChapter 12: Happy PlaceBefore dinner, Rhys announces that he is going for a run. I suspect the run is an alibi for a shower in the guesthouse, so I take my own shower in our bedroom and let myself be…
- 13Real life — TuesdayChapter 13: Happy PlaceThe song Dane called ours is already underway by the time Rhys draws me onto the dance floor. I loop my arms around his neck, keeping my face turned toward his shoulder. Bianca is…
- 14Before — TuesdayChapter 14: Happy PlaceOur Seattle apartment cost more than five people could comfortably manage, and still there wasn't room for all our furniture. Livia kept the schedule for the one full bathroom.…
- 15REAL LIFE — WednesdayChapter 15: Happy PlaceA jackhammer is going off inside my head.
- 16REAL LIFE — WednesdayChapter 16: Happy PlaceMost of Cape Lark has taken shelter in cafés, nursing tea or bowls of chowder. The six of us are still outside, getting nowhere fast beneath a sky that keeps opening over us. We…
- 17Before the breakup — a winter visit to the Washington coastChapter 17: Happy PlaceThe road to Rhys’s family home had turned white overnight. Our rental car crept along the packed snow, tires searching for grip. Rhys held my hand between us and warmed my fingers…
- 18Wednesday — present dayChapter 18: Happy PlaceI take my time in the theater restroom, washing my hands, wiping the counter, then washing them once more. On the way back through the carpeted arcade, I nearly run into Rhys.
- 19Wednesday — present dayChapter 19: Happy Place“I thought you weren’t staying for the second movie,” I whisper to Bianca as we settle into our seats again.
- 20Still WednesdayChapter 20: Not Quite Real LifeRhys brushes his tongue over my lower lip. For a second, the kiss is almost tentative. Then my mouth opens, and he lets out a quiet breath as he kisses me fully.
- 21Years earlierChapter 21: Where We BeganOur first home with no roommates was a narrow apartment in Seattle. The radiator made a steady noise through the cold months. We blamed a ghost when a window opened on a chilly…
- 22REAL LIFE · ThursdayChapter 22: Open WaterLivia was practically skipping down the dock toward the white rental boat. Rhys went by me after Dane, and my body forgot the small matter of walking. I stopped short, then made…
- 23REAL LIFE · An hour outside Grand Rapids, MichiganChapter 23: Unhappy PlaceThe quiet subdivision at the end of a cul-de-sac looked as though it had been arranged to reassure people. Familiar houses, clipped lawns, trees barely stirring in the damp heat.…
- 24REAL LIFE · ThursdayChapter 24: What We KeepWe sit with our feet in the cold shallows and share the cheese, fruit, and bread we packed. The sun warms our faces while clouds drift overhead. After lunch we follow a…
- 25REAL LIFE · ThursdayChapter 25: What I Don’t AskBy the time we return to the cottage, everyone goes upstairs to rinse off the salt, sunscreen, and sand. Taco Thursday is already underway. Livia has made enough food for twice as…
- 26Seattle, WashingtonChapter 26: DARK PLACEThe one-bedroom apartment is gray, and Rhys and I keep saying we should paint it robin’s-egg blue. We found it online and chose to believe that, despite the narrow kitchen and…
- 27REAL LIFE · FridayChapter 27: The Day Before“I think we should give you a real wedding tomorrow,” I say over breakfast.
- 28Seattle, WashingtonChapter 28: DARK PLACEAfter Hank died, Rhys kept saying we should go ahead with the wedding. The venue was booked, the deposit was paid, and he didn't want us to lose either. But he was barely eating.…
- 29FridayChapter 29: REAL LIFEEveryone else is getting ready for the joint bachelor-and-bachelorette party Livia and Dane have planned. I should be doing the same. Instead, I keep circling the question I've…
- 30FridayChapter 30: REAL LIFEThe festival is filling the wharf even though the main celebration is across the harbor. People crowd around the old picnic tables, their jackets smelling of salt and wood smoke.…
- 31FridayChapter 31: REAL LIFE“You knew?” I ask.
- 32FridayChapter 32: REAL LIFEThe ride back is quiet. Now that everything has been said, Rhys and I can’t look at each other. He keeps his eyes on the dark outside the window, and not once does he glance…
- 33SaturdayChapter 33: REAL LIFERhys left the curtains open. Morning comes straight through the windows, bright and cold, carrying the smell of salt and the distant cry of gulls.
- 34SaturdayChapter 34: REAL LIFE“She’s going to be upset that I told you before her,” Bianca said.
- 35SaturdayChapter 35: REAL LIFEThe house feels wrong as soon as Rhys and I walk in. Too quiet. We head for the kitchen, but there’s no sign of anyone.
- 36Saturday afternoonChapter 36: REAL LIFECalling it a wedding was generous. Still, sunflower bouquets had arrived at the door, and the cake was iced with “Happy birthday, Sasquatch,” ringed in edible flowers. Livia and…
- 37SundayChapter 37: REAL LIFEI wake before the alarm and stop it before it can sound. Rhys lies asleep in the early blue light, bare and beautiful. He would want me to wake him. I can't make our last minutes…
- 38SundayChapter 38: REAL LIFEI had no reason to run. My flight was gone, and no deadline was waiting for me. This wasn't my last chance to tell Rhys how I felt. It was the first chance I had to get back to…
- 39MondayChapter 39: REAL LIFEOn the day I leave my residency, I call my parents.
- 40Chapter 40: REAL LIFEOur home has a wooden table, a jar crowded with wildflowers, and open land beyond the windows. We take long walks with Rhys and shorter ones with Irene.